Humor Time

Humor is so diverse. Some jokes are so outlandish that most of us fall down laughing.  Some jokes are so dry and subtle that many don’t even consider them jokes.

Here’s an example of subtle humor: Woody Allen has said that he once took a class in speed reading, learning to read down the center of each page, letting his peripheral vision give him the meaning. When he was done with the class, he reported that he read War and Peace in twenty minutes. He said, “It was about Russia.”

          Now a few very unsubtle jokes.

There were two old guys about to tee off and the one said to the other, “Why do you have a banana in your ear, Charlie?”  Charlie replied loudly, “Speak up, Fred!  I can’t hear you! I’ve got a banana in my ear!”

The same two guys the next day were about to tee off and the one said to the other, “Why do you have a suppository in your ear, Charlie?” Charlie replied loudly, “Speak up, Fred. I can’t hear you!” Fred put his mouth close to Charlie’s other ear and shouted, “WHY DO YOU HAVE A SUPPOSITORY IN YOUR EAR?”  Charlie, with a horrified look, said, “Oh my god, now I know where I put my hearing aid!”

A little old lady, 92, is in a Sun City West nursing home.  She has a boyfriend, 90, and the two of them like to spend the evening in her room watching tv, his penis in her hand.  One night as she’s coming back to her room from the cafeteria she happens to peek in the door of her best friend down the hall, and lo and behold, there’s her boyfriend lying in bed with her friend, watching tv, his penis in her hand.  She throws the door open and rushes in.  “How could you do this to me?  Is she more beautiful than I am?  Is she smarter than I am?  What’s she got that I don’t have?”  He looks at her with a contented smile: “Parkinsons.”

An old guy, 90, is in a nursing home waiting to hear from his doctor.  The doctor comes in his room and says, “I’ve got bad news for you.”  The old guy says, “Yeah?  What is it?”  “First, you’ve got cancer, and second, you’ve got Alzheimer’s.”  The old guy goes, “Phew, thank God I don’t have cancer.”

Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, and Bill Clinton were in a car traveling cross-country.  They were just crossing Kansas when a tornado formed, picked them up, whirled them up, up, up and away.  The next thing they knew they were set back down again, but they all knew they were no longer in Kansas.  Yes, it was Oz, because they could see the brilliant green of the Emerald City in the distance.  They decided to go find the Wizard. Jeff Sessions said he was going to ask the Wizard for a heart. Donald Trump said he was going to ask the Wizard for some brains.  Bill Clinton said, “Where’s Dorothy?”

The funny thing about this last one is that Trump might have said, "I saw her first, Bill."