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My books can be purchased as e-books for only $1.99. If interested, just click here: Books.
Match Play is a golf/suspense novel. Dust of Autumn is a bloody one set in upstate New York. Prairie View is set in South Dakota, with a final scene atop Rattlesnake Butte. Life in the Arbor is a children's book about Rollie Rabbit and his friends (on about a fourth grade level). The Black Widow involves an elaborate extortion scheme. Doggy-Dog World is my memoir. And ES3 is a description of my method for examining English sentence structure.
In case anyone is interested in any of my past posts, an archive list can be found at the bottom of this page.
My newest novel, Happy Valley, can be found here.

Thursday, October 17

Just Joking

Here’s a sports joke that‘s been around in one form or another for a lot of years. Any fanatic about any sport or any team can relate to it. In this particular case, since the NFL seaso is almost halfway over and since most Green Bay Packers fans can be considered fanatic, that will be the venue.

A man received a free ticket to the Packers home game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat he had was in the upper corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he saw through his binoculars an empty seat ten rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, but is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again asked the man, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?” The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Packers game we haven’t seen together since we got married.” “That’s really sad, but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?” “No,” the man replied sadly, “They’re all at the funeral.”
* * * * *
And while I’m at it, I guess this might be a good time for a few more jokes.

The Hitman

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play nine holes together. After teeing off, they set off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the other man started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped and pulled from his bag a fancy, high-powered rifle with an expensive scope. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous ,the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered through the scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

"What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. He took the rifle and looked through the scope. Then he looked at the hitman and said, "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm . . .?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there."

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused, then said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took his firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking steady aim. He then said, "You know what, buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
* * * * * *
Bill, on his 75th birthday, went to see his doctor for a routine checkup and the doctor told him after the exam, “You know, Bill, you’re in remarkable shape for a man your age. You’ve got the body of a fifty-year-old and you might just live forever. By the way, how old was your dad when he died?”

Bill, somewhat perplexed by the question, said, “Oh, did I say he was dead?”

“You mean he’s still alive?” asked the surprised doctor. “How old is he and what kind of shape is he in?”

“He’s 96 and he still goes skiing in Colorado every winter and swims a mile every day during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. He said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

“Oh, did I say he was dead?” Bill asked.

“You mean to tell me your father and grandfather are both still alive? How active is your grandfather?”

“My granddad rides his bike to and from the rec center in Sun City West where he works out for an hour every day, golfs in the mid-nineties three times a week, and next week he’s getting married again.”

“Good heavens, man, at his age why in the world does he want to get married again?”

“Oh, did I say he wanted to?”
* * * * *
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I'm Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”



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