Day Brighteners

How about a few jokes to brighten your day?

A woman goes to her doctor to see what he can do to enlarge her breasts. He tells her he is opposed to implants but that she can help herself by religiously performing an exercise he can give her. He demonstrates—arms extended to the sides, then in with hands over breasts, then out again, all the while to the rhythm of “Dibbledee dabbledee dust. I CAN increase my bust,” etc. She agrees to try it. A week later she’s in a park doing her exercise, softly saying her incantation, “Dibbledee dabbledee dust. I CAN increase my bust.” A man comes up to her and says, “I see you have the same doctor I have.” “How can you tell?” she asks. “Because he told me to try a similar exercise.” He demonstrates by marching in place, his feet striking the ground with force, while chanting, “Hickory Dickory Dock . . .”

Henry and Charlie, two very senior citizens, are sitting on a park bench enjoying the day. Henry says, “I feel good.” Charlie says, “Yeah, I feel pretty good too, but every morning at 5:00 I have a bowel movement.” Henry says, “Well, that’s good.” Charlie replies, “No, not really. I never wake up till 6:00.”

A doctor says to his male patient, “I have some good news and some bad. The good news is your penis is growing by an inch a month.” “Well, what’s the bad news, doctor?” “It’s malignant.”

God almost always spoke to man on a mountain.  When Moses went up Mt. Sinai to receive the two tablets, he stopped to speak to God, off the cuff, so to speak. According to some of the less well-known gospel, Moses decided to engage God in some theologically metaphysical questions. He said to God, “A million years is a very long time to mankind, but what is it in Your perspective?” God replied, “About a minute.” “And a million dollars,” Moses continued, “is a fortune to most of us, but what is it in Your perspective?” “A penny,” God answered. Moses was thoughtful for a moment. Then, “Well, would it be possible for You to lend me a penny?” “Just a second,” God said.

Harry was visiting a circus and was amazed to see a man dancing with a bear. The man and bear whirled and danced and danced and whirled. As they danced by, Henry asked the human dancer, “Sir, I am amazed by your animal and your act with him, but even more amazed by your stamina. How long do you dance with the bear?” The man answered with a wry smile as he whirled by, “Just as long as he wants me to.”