Three Jokes

I know, I know, electronic jokes are way too plentiful these days, but these are old enough and good enough to do again. 1. (Thanks to Garrison Keillor) Ole and Lena, you know—they had twelve kids, because they lived near the train tracks, and when the midnight train came through and woke Ole up, he’d say, “Well, should we go back to sleep or what?” and Lena’d say, “What—?” Yeah, and then he run off with the waitress, but Lena, she had six more kids, because ever so often Ole would come back home to apologize. He never sent her money for the kids, though: he always wrote in the letter, “P.S. I meant to enclose money but I already sealed the envelope.”

2. Dan Quail, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton were in a car traveling cross-country. They were just crossing Kansas when a tornado formed, picked them up, whirled them up, up, up and away. The next thing they knew they were set back down again, but they all knew they were no longer in Kansas. Yes, it was Oz, because they could see the brilliant green of the Emerald City in the distance. They decided to go find the Wizard. Dan Quail said he was going to ask the Wizard for some brains. Newt Gingrich said he was going to ask the Wizard for a heart. Bill Clinton said, “Where’s Dorothy?”

3. Miss Smith, a new, enthusiastic, attractive young elementary teacher, was doing a lesson in math with her fourth graders. She told the class, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you threw a rock and knocked one of them off, how many would be left?” Precocious little Johnny shot his hand up and waved it around until she called on him. “There wouldn’t be any, teach.” Miss Smith shook her head and said, “Nooo, that’s not right. How did you come up with that answer, Johnny?” “If I threw a rock and knocked one bird off the fence, the other birds’d fly away.” Miss Smith nodded and said, “I guess I never thought of it that way. That may not have been the answer I was expecting, but, Johnny, I really like the way you think.” Then Johnny raised his hand again. “I got a problem for you, teach. There’s three ladies sittin’ on a park bench, all eatin’ ice cream cones. One’s lickin’ it, one’s suckin’ it, and one’s bitin’ it. Which one’s married?” “Well, I . . . I . . .” she stammered. “I guess the one that’s sucking it.” “Nahh,” Johnny said. “It’s the one with the weddin’ ring, but, teach, I really like the way you think.”