Ed McBain

I have to share with you some of the good stuff from McBain’s Matthew Hope series. All of what follows is from Jack and the Beanstalk. I hated to see McBain go, he was such a good writer. I hope you enjoy these snippets as much as I do.

Frank’s (Matthew’s lawyer partner) rules for treating a woman: 1.. Always treat a lady like a hooker. 2. Always treat a hooker like a lady. 3. Never send a lady anything perishable. 4. Never send a hooker anything durable. 5. Never try to buy a lady into bed. 6. Never try to talk a hooker into bed. 7. Always tell a lady you love her. 8. Never tell a hooker anything. 9. Never believe a lady who tells you she’s a lady. 10. Never believe anything a hooker tells you.

Frank believes that everyone’s name is either a “frère Jacque” or an “Eleanor Rigby.” For example, Jerry Travis is a frère Jacque, and Rosalie Travis is an Eleanor Rigby.

Matthew, commenting on a friend of Joanna’s named Daisy, after Daisy Buchannan from The Great Gatsby, which led him to remember, “I suddenly remember what we used to call The Great Gatsby back when I was an undergraduate at Northwestern. The Light on Daisy’s Dock. This was supposed to have sexual connotations. ‘Daisy’s dock’ referred to Daisy’s vagina. The possibility that it had a light on it was enough to send all of us pink-cheeked sophomores into gales of hysterical laughter. We also used to enjoy singing a song called ‘I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now,’ the ‘now’ being synonymous with the ‘dock’ Daisy had a light on. Oh my, we were such great wits back then."

A woman goes to see a gynecologist. The gynecologist says, “What seems to be the trouble?” The woman says, “My husband keeps complaining I have a very large vagina.” “Well, let’s take a look,” the gynecologist says. He puts her up on the table. He puts her feet in the stirrups. He takes a look. “My God, what a huge vagina!” he says. “My God, what a huge vagina!” “Well, you didn’t have to say it twice,” she says. “I didn’t!” he says.