Some Jokes

For want of anything better to write about, how about a few really old jokes (maybe even old enough that you haven't heard them or don't remember them)?

One day a man of the cloth sneaked out the back door of his church on a very holy day, changed his clothing and went to a golf course and played one round all by himself. God focused his attention on the sinner, and a young ignorant angel watched over God’s shoulder. The ignorant angel watched and saw the sinner sink a three wood for an eagle two on the first hole, hit a long iron into the cup for an eagle three on the second hole, make a hole in one on the third. Following the same pattern, he finished the first nine holes in twenty strokes, and as he teed off on the tenth and hit his drive three hundred and seventy yards down the middle, the angel cried out, “God, he is a sinner! Why are you rewarding him?” “Rewarding him?” God rumbled. “Think about it. Who can he tell?”

When John complained of severe chest pains, his wife Mary insisted she take him to the doctor. The doctor examined John and afterward called Mary into his office. “Now, Mary,” he said in a low tone, “You must listen carefully to what I’m about to say. You must do four things and do them faithfully and conscientiously every day from now on. If you don’t, John will die. First, every morning you must prepare him a healthy breakfast and send him to work with a kiss and a smile and your encouragement. Second, every day when he comes home at noon, you must have the house spotless and a hot lunch prepared for him. Third, when he comes home from work, you must greet him at the door with a kiss, and listen to what he says of his day’s activities, and serve him a good dinner. And last, when you go to bed you must indulge his every wish, no matter how bizarre or strange.” Mary had listened carefully to the doctor’s instructions, and she left his office with a concerned expression. “Well,” John asked anxiously, “what did he say?” “Oh, John,” she said tearfully, “he said you were going to die.”

Joe and Ed were playing a late afternoon round of golf and it would be touch and go whether they’d finish before dark. Ahead was a pair of slow-playing women. On the fifteenth, in the deepening gloom, Joe drove the cart ahead to plead with the women to speed up. But before he spoke to them, he returned to Ed at high speed. “What’s the matter?” Ed asked. “That’s my wife and my mistress ahead of us. Lucky I noticed before they saw me.” Ed agreed that he’d drive up to tell them to speed up their game. But he also came hurrying back. “What happened?” Joe asked. “Small world, isn’t it?” Ed responded.

A 65-year-old Sun City West couple are in their back yard after a round of golf, steaks on the grill, cocktail in hand, late afternoon Arizona gorgeous. The wife, in a contemplative mood, asks, “Honey, if I should die, would you get married again?” The husband thinks a moment, then, “Well, I guess it all depends on when you mean? Like soon?” The wife responds, “You know we’re not getting any younger, so, yes, let’s suppose I died tomorrow. Would you marry someone else?” The husband says, “Yes, I suppose so.” The wife says, “And I suppose you’d teach her how to golf?” The husband says, “Well, I suppose so.” The wife says, “And you’d probably give her my clubs?” The husband says without thinking, “Oh no, she’s left-handed.”

What’s the difference between a golfer and a sky diver? A golfer makes these sounds: “Whack!” “Ah shit!” A sky diver makes these sounds: “Ah shit!” “Whack!”

A Few Things to Ponder:

What does a tornado, a hurricane, and your wife have in common?
Sooner or later one of them will get your house.

What do you call a blind rabbit sitting on your face? Unsightly facial hare

What does a gold fish and a mountain goat have in common?
The golf fish likes to muck around the fountain.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, is he told he has the right to remain silent?

Why do banks put Braille on the drive-through windows?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help
section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.